Scared of the Twenties

I am freshly twenty years-old. I am terrified. Allow me to tell you why…

The thing about your twenties is that there are a lot of surprises. A lot of loss, challenges, failure, and most of all expectations. Things you know to expect but really don’t expect them to happen to you. You may think you are doing everything right and nothing will slap you in the face. Wrong. 

People tell you to enjoy your twenties but to me that is a big expectation people put on you. I am lucky enough to have an extremely honest mother to keep me in line. And three sisters whose mistakes I can learn from. I have that in my back pocket. I also have my lovely blind optimism. With blind optimism comes being blindsided. With that being said, I do have the mentality that I know I will fail but I am utterly devastated and shocked when it happens. 

You lose friends and relationships you never thought you’d lose. You make friends. Sometimes you learn quickly or a little too late that those “friends” are not so good. You start to slowly weed out the family members that doubt you and don’t trust you. You are able to weed out the friends and family members that only care about you when they see you’re doing good and wonder if they can use that to their advantage. You learn about things around and a lot of things about yourself. You come to many conclusions about many things and sometimes those conclusions break your heart. And in the middle of all that you’ll have people tell you to enjoy your twenties.

How can I enjoy a time in my life where my heart is breaking constantly? Yes, you can find beauty in a broken heart. The healing process can be lengthy though. I am the type of person who loves hard and very quickly. I sometimes feel as though I give more love than I receive. Your twenties are a part of finding what and who you love. 

I am scared of my twenties because I am scared to lose my sense of imagination and my inner child. I’m scared of being called a failure after one miniscule mistake. The genuine good guys your age are sparse. And I am most scared of failing because of the pressure from people that have such high expectations for me. I already have expectations for myself that are unreasonable and far too high for a single person. I don’t need someone else to burden me with their expectations they have for me. 

I’m scared of thinking my dream job is too much for me when I get pushed down too many times. Or the thought of “am I doing this all wrong?” or “is this career really the one for me?” and it is. But do I really know that? It’s only something I have had my mind set on since I was nine. Then there’s people thinking they know what’s best for you. And it’s always those that do not truly know you. In my head, the only person that can tell me what they think is best for me (because they’re always right) is my mother. 

They say “enjoy your twenties, have fun, make memories, make mistakes,” well, if I make those mistakes you’ll tell me what a failure I am. It’s them telling you to not let the words get to you. But it’s their words. Trying your absolute best to not let people’s opinions of you get to you. Pushing through the hurricane of your own mind without any shelter. Words of others swarming your mind like a bunch of feral butterflies. It’s hard. And this is only the beginning. 

This will be the wildest rodeo of my life. That’s why I’m scared. But, I’m ready for it.

With all that being said, I want to leave you all with a quote.

You are not the opinion of someone who doesn’t know you. – Taylor Swift.

Until next time,

ES

Commitment…

Commitment. You can commit to many different things, relationships, a better lifestyle, your personal philosophy. The first thing I have come to the conclusion of, is that you need to commit to yourself first. Now, I am not a believer of “you can’t expect someone to love you when you don’t love yourself.” I do believe that someone can love you as you are working on loving yourself. Sometimes it helps having someone that loves you to emphasize what they love about you so you can see it too. 

I have struggled with staying committed to certain things that will benefit me in the long run. Although, recently I got a jolt of a sense that I need to change. And it’s now or never. I am in a stage of my life where I need to hustle until my high heels break. Working my way into a competitive career field and wanting to be the best they’ve ever seen. It’s going to take a lot. Commitment, sacrifices, change, and risks. 

Mike “Doc” Emerick is one of my biggest inspirations when it comes to having a career in sports. In his book “Off Mike,” he talks about how big of a commitment hockey is. Not only to those that play but to the parents as well. I have never been one to be easily struck by any words in a book for it to be a moment that hits me like a ton of bricks. But, I think I had that when I was reading the first chapter simply titled “A Commitment.” He said, “The sport is about commitment and work ethic. You don’t stay in this sport long if you are lacking those traits,” and that made my heart sink. In a good way.

If I don’t have the simple commitment to waking up two hours earlier than I usually do, then how can I commit to a demanding career? Lately I have been doing things to create better habits. Waking up earlier, going outside more, cleaning my room on a weekly basis, those types of things. The small things that make the environment around you feel better so you feel better. 

So with that being said. My rainy Sunday (at the time of writing this) has consisted of playoff hockey and reading different articles on commitment and work ethic. Came to many conclusions. Some of them being that change starts with you (obviously). Make sure your behaviors reflect what you want to be and your passion. Set priorities and work from the smaller ones to the bigger ones. That failure is inevitable so make the most of it. Explore beyond your comfort zone. And most importantly, be kind to yourself when you’re figuring things out as you go. 

I set my priorities list. Smallest to biggest. The smaller ones can be considered as the biggest priorities. But those are the ones I can work on everyday by myself. The bigger ones range from better work ethic, stronger time management and organization, and having better studying habits. Being a bigger team player is on my list. Change starts with me.

I don’t know which Greek God or what wacky act the Universe did to me to make me realize these things. I’m glad it happened though. I can truly see myself turning into the me I deserve to be. The woman I’ve always wanted to be.

Until next time,

ES

Welcome to my Ritzy Roaring Twenties…

I created this blog back in March. I have been trying to come up with the perfect first blog post. Everything I have written has been all over the place and unorganized. So I thought I might as well just keep it short, sweet, and simple. 

I am officially twenty years old. I’m a student at a community college, I work for a professional minor league hockey team, I am a huge sports person. I am currently studying for my Associates of Arts in Broadcast/Journalism. I want to transfer to Penn State and double major in Journalism and Cognitive Neuroscience. The first thing anybody would know about me is, I want to be a sideline/on ice reporter for the NFL and NHL. 

I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared about entering a complicated and arguably the most important decade of my life. I am the last of both my parents’ children to be entering their twenties. Safe to say, I have not only learned from my four parents (step parents included) but my sisters as well. Learned from their mistakes, their triumphs, what they wish they had done differently, and all that jazz. 

There is also a lot of pressure on yourself to not have so much pressure on yourself. To enjoy your twenties but to also get as much done as you can before it’s too late. In the career field I want to be in, there is only rest for the dead. In my head, I have to establish myself quickly and efficiently. Or else I won’t be listened to by anybody. While I am aware that failing is normal, it scares me. 

The thought of failure and never accomplishing what I want to do for my life is always in the back of head. At the 2021 BRIT Awards as she was accepting the Global Icon Award, Taylor Swift said two things that have been repeating themselves in my head. One of the things she said regarding career paths really eased my mind about it, “There is no career path that comes free of negativity. If you’re met with resistance, that probably means you’re doing something new. If you’re experiencing turbulence or pressure, that probably means you’re rising,” that made me feel more comforted with failing and bumps in the road. She also said, “If you’re met with resistance, it means you’re doing something new,” and it’s something I thought of but never really put thought into it. If that makes sense. 

So that is all I have on my mind at the moment. I hope you enjoyed this first post and what was on my mind. This will be a ride. I hope you will saddle up with me and enjoy the ride.

Until next time.